Everything's Coming Up Roses Here's life. Day by day, things are changing. What will tomorrow bring? I'm not quite sure. So here's my blog of me going through life, figuring it out as it comes. Pictures, quotes, and just about anything that makes me laugh or smile or cry. Maybe, it will make you feel the same. I hope you at least feel someone from something on this blog. If you don't, no big deal. Well, that's all. That's me.

Wake up every morning,

Try to get by.

These days feel so long now,

now that you’ve left.

Don’t know where I’m going,

I’m getting away.

Come back tomorrow morning,

I’ll be out of your way.

They said it would be magic,

finding one you love.

I’m without magic,

just a mortal all alone.

No one’s here to save me,

not a friend or a foe.

All without magic and nowhere to go.

People in town stare now,

I’m the poor little girl.

The one who was left alone,

by the one who she loved.

They tell me they’re sorry,

that I will move on.

But I need to get away from

their pitying looks.

They said it would be magic,

finding one you love.

I’m without magic,

just a mortal all alone.

No one’s here to save me,

not a friend or a foe.

All without magic and nowhere to go.

All I want is you back,

I want you to hold me.

I want you to love me.

I want you back in my life.

But you’re long gone with a new girl to love,

she’ll never be me.

So I live without magic,

and no one I love.

I’m without magic,

just a mortal all alone.

No one’s here to save me,

not a friend or a foe.

I’ll live without magic,

and nowhere to go.

I heard you’re really happy now,

I heard you feel blessed.

I heard you’re really happy now,

I wish you the best.

I hear you’ve found magic, with someone new,

and she is wonderful, and so are you.

Enjoy your magic,

with the one who you love.

You’ve found your magic,

you have someone to hold.

You need no one to save you,

not a friend or a foe.

Because you’re found magic,

you’re a lucky soul.

I wish it were me,

I wish I had magic,

but that just wasn’t for me.

I’m not meant to be living her life,

I’m not meant for your world,

Maybe someday I’ll find magic,

but for now I’m all alone.

2013 is coming to a close and 2014 is about to start.  Now, I’m going to reflect on a year in the life of me and look forward to a new and hopefully spectacular year ahead.

I went onto Christmas break, freshman year, completely head over heels with a varsity basketball player.  I thought he was just the greatest thing.  In retrospect, I see he truly wasn’t the greatest thing.  He was rather plain, to be honest.  He and I are sheer opposites and back then, I thought that was what made liking him so great but now, I see, that was the whole problem.  A year later, I can’t say I’m head over heels anyone like I was then.  I’m trying to deal through my own flaws before I involve myself with liking someone else.  Maybe, if I can work through those flaws, I can get my picture perfect fantasy that I have to keep denying lately.  

A year ago, I was so freshman.  That’s the only word to describe me then.  Until this summer, I really was so freshman.  I was so naive and I thought everything I did was the greatest thing ever.  The world was constantly about to end.  It was all or nothing.  I like to think I’ve calmed down a bit since then.  I understand that things may seem super important, but they probably aren’t.  I can deal through my problems.  It’s not all or nothing.  Life has a middle ground.  

In the world of debate, you could say I’ve improved a bit (a lot).  And its in part due to my enjoyment of the activity so much.  There is nothing I love as much as debate.  I love going to tournaments.  I love doing the work.  I love speaking.  I love the people.  Without the people, I’d be lost.  The people are my best friends.  I feel more at home with these people at tournaments than I do most of the time with just about anyone.  They feel like family.  A year ago, they were practically strangers.  It was last February that I formally started an “alliance” with a boy that I now consider one of my closest friends and very much like an older brother to me.  A year does a lot and I am so thankful for the year I have had with debate because I have met the greatest people and developed the greatest friendships.

What about my friends at school?  It’s been an absolute roller coaster ride.  I really am sorry that things are so awkward and so rough with some people.  I hope they can someday change again but to be perfectly honest, it got me to where I think I need to be.  I was with the people I thought I was supposed to be with, but when I was forced to make a change I opened up so many other opportunities.  Friends don’t have to just be who you’d expect them to be.  They can be anyone and they can help you find yourself in ways you’d never expect.  That’s what I’m starting to find now.

Well, what about the new ahead.  Do I have any expectations?  You betcha.  2014 will be quite the crazy year, I am sure.  I’m hoping that my friendships will only improve, but I’m open for anything.  Losing friends was hard but I see now the great results in the end, so whatever comes at me in 2014, I’m up for it.  I’m hoping I’ll finally stop being scared in the face of romance.  Why should I keep turning my back on a guy whose my dream?  I shouldn’t.  Honestly, I think 2014 will be a better year than 2013.  I think it will be better because I’m better than I was going into 2013.  

Here’s to a great year {almost} behind us and to another great one ahead!


some horrible icons

please reblog if you’re saving

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Again, I’ve disappeared for a while.  I do that a lot.  In my disappearance, I made a few mistakes.  I need to write them out now though.  I’m lost once more, and this blog, it helps me to figure out where I must go from here.

I value loyalty.  Loyalty is one of the most important things in the world to me.  If you cannot show me loyalty, I do not think you deserve to be trusted.  Some friends of mine made me question loyalties.  Loyalties I thought could not be severed, well, they were.  Loyalties I never thought much about, suddenly meant the world to me.  I didn’t handle these changing loyalties right though.  I got caught up in emotion and forgot how to be a diplomat.  I said just what I felt.  I know, for those involved, if you are reading, it sure didn’t seem that way.  I know it seemed like I planned out exactly what I was going to say, like there was no emotion involved.  That wasn’t the case.  Inside, I was dying and I was about to cry, but I didn’t want you to see me lose myself.  I didn’t want anyone to see that.  I wish we didn’t have to hate each other now.  I wish what we once called friendship was not a battleground.  But it is now.  I don’t know if it seems this way anymore, but I did what I did out of hurt.  I didn’t do it out of hatred.  I told the truth: I felt like there was no loyalty to me; like I was disposable.  I could have stated it more diplomatically so that you wouldn’t hate me now but none of what I did had to do with social climbing.  It had to do with loyalty and what it means to friendship.  Friends don’t abandon each other; they stick up for each other at all costs.  You didn’t.  

Through that whole issue with friends, I worked myself so I would just be exhausted.  I caused myself to get a mild case of vertigo.  That may have been one of the scariest moments of my life.  For those who helped me through that week, thank you.  For those who took my hand and said it would be okay.  For those who told me that what I was doing was bad and giving up a performance or two was okay.  For those who just looked at me and said “How do you even wake up?”  And for those who just stayed around- thank you.  You have no idea how you changed my life for the better.  I felt really lost and you helped me not to fall off a cliff.

Now, here’s a message to a boy who will never read this:

I’m sorry.  You are probably the kindest person I’ve ever met.  The way I treated you, it didn’t have to do with you.  It had to do with me.  I can’t believe it, I’m saying I’m sorry with the “its not you, its me” card.  That’s the card I cried my eyes over just two months ago.  I guess I should forgive the guy who used that card on me, because I understand now.  I did the same to you.  I was tried and exhausted and confused and stressed.  I took it out on you.  You didn’t deserve that.  I understand now that you would prefer not to talk to me until necessary.  I rejected you.  I wish you could know that I regret that.  I wish I was brave enough to tell you.  Instead, I’m writing it here.  I wish life was like Love Actually, where you would chase after me through an airport.  Or you would go door-to-door until you found my house and you could declare your feelings to me.  This isn’t a movie though.  This is real life.  Real life is more like The Newsroom.  Mackenzie and Will aren’t together.  They missed their chance and now, they just skid around the issue.  Jim and Maggie keep avoiding the fact that they are meant for one another, and instead, are both unhappy.  I’m sorry.  We could have had a beautiful movie story, instead we’re stuck here.  I’m sorry I was afraid of affection.  I’m sorry for having an inferiority complex.  I’m sorry for taking it all out on you.  I’m just really sorry.  I wish you would talk to me and maybe, I could muster up the courage to say this all to you.  Instead, I see your name come up on Facebook every day, and I just want to cry.  I wish you would read this.  You never will, that’s why it’s posted here.  I’m sorry things couldn’t end up differently.  It really isn’t you; it’s me whose the screwed up one.

Today in the middle of my PSAT, I began to wonder, what do my words mean?

I can tell someone they are my best friend but I can then go talk about them behind their back.  I have that power with my words.  What do words mean then if we deceive and rid them of true meaning?  We might actually say them with meaning, but at the end of the day, we no longer mean what we say.  The words are useless and pointless without meaning.  They hurt though because maybe believed they were real and true and valuable.

We tell people we’ll be friends forever and that we never want to stop being friends, but then we let things go to waste.  And worse, we cause each other so much pain.  We make each other feel used, like just a pawn in our games.  We lose our humanity.  My mother says that the internet has ruined my generation, because it has rid of us from needing emotions.  Maybe, thats true.  But maybe its the fact that our generation feels no connection to our words.  We feel we can say anything, without paying attention to what they truly mean.  Sad part is, we don’t feel the same about words we hear.  We think others will keep to their word and it breaks our heart when they don’t.  But what can we expect from others when that’s our entire generation’s idea?  

How am I supposed to handle it?  I’ve been used, I’ve been let down, and now I’m hurt.  I don’t know where to turn; I’m lost.  So what’s next?  How we solve a problem that exists because we see no meaning to our words?  I’ve lost faith.  I’ve lost trust.  I’ve lost hope.  I don’t know what to believe in, because I believed in people but people lie and deceive others.  So now, what do I have to believe in?

Things change.  Its really rough to deal with.  The worst part is when you just feel lost.  I felt lost this week.  At school, I’m always confused as to who my friends actually are.  It never seems obvious to me.  Everyone else has this perfectly defined group and everything is easy for them, but for me, its not that simple.  Everything is up in the air constantly and changing based on just singular people.

Today, I had a speech tournament.  I have a lot of friends who are in my category.  Last year, I attended my first tournament and that was just really rough.  I was frightened out of my mind and knew barely anyone.  Today, I walked in to a group of friends and I smiled because I felt assured that I was where I belonged.  Throughout the entire day, I never once wondered if I didn’t belong.  And it was the sweetest feeling.  

The feeling of acceptance is one better than anything.  Few people actually notice how beautiful it is to be accepted and feel like you belong.  Even if I can only feel that way on my Saturdays at a debate tournament, it is just the greatest feeling in the world.  And despite the lack of sleep and amount of work I have to be in for this activity, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  Only in this activity do I feel so at home, always greeted with a sweet hug.  

Its all really worth it.

I haven’t written in a while… anywhere.

I miss writing.  I miss writing somewhere and saying how I feel.  I don’t know why I stopped.  I guess, I just didn’t think it was acceptable anymore.  I didn’t just stop writing, I stopped coming online.  I don’t know why.  

So here’s my rambling, because I need to ramble because I feel lost right now:

I’ve learned to be a guarded person.  I never want to let anyone in, because that means they can judge me and hurt me.  I’ve made some bad choices.  I’ve trusted the wrong people and gotten hurt.  I opened up completely and immediately to one boy last year, and then summer time kicked in, and now at school, i feel his constant judging.  He judges my switching of friends.  He judges my confusion with school work.  He judges my “flirty personality.”  And I regret letting him in.  I regret letting him see who I was and getting to know me.  Before, he could judge me a little bit but he didn’t know my insecurities, he didn’t know my values, he didn’t know me.  Now, he does.  And he judges me, with them in mind.  So now, I worry about opening up to new people.  I don’t want to get hurt again.

But I do student congress, and I want to win.  And my dad tells me the only way to do that is by showing emotion and forcing the people to care about what I’m saying, and the only way to do that is show I care.  But isn’t that doing exactly what I don’t want to do?  I don’t want to be open.  I don’t want to be judged.  But I want to win.  My dad yells at me and tells me I’m not trying to open up, that he raised me to be open and show emotion, what was I doing?  Daddy, I’m stuck and I’m confused.  Because every time I show true, real emotion, I get hurt.  And now, in my solace, I have to open up and risk being judged.  And he says I’m scared without reason.  He implies that I’m weak, that I’m scared of losing.  I’m not scared of losing.  I can take a loss.  But maybe I am weak, because I’m too afraid to open up to even my own family.  No one really knows what happened.  I don’t have a single person who knows why I’m so afraid.

It’s not just this guy who I got hurt by.  Its been almost all my friends.  Maybe, I do something wrong.  Maybe, I’m a bad person.  But most of my friendships from a year ago, no longer exist.  In fact, I’m basically friends with an entirely different group of people.  Why can’t I keep my friends?  Why does no one stick around once I start to open up?  What am I doing wrong?  It scares me.  And now, I feel like I’m never going to win at congress for the one reason of that I’m too scared to open up, because I’ve been hurt too many times.  

And I’m afraid I can’t make it again.

— Lauren Oliver, Delirium (via icemoon23)
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